Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
