I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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