I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
