my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
