I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
