keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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