420 ftw
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
