Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize