You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
