dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
