Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
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