the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
