I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize