if you like me you must not know who I am
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
