She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i out mim tonsoeep
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
