guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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