Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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