Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
