i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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