if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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