I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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