allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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