allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
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