I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
