she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
