saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize