Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
