Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
