Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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