I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
They have beer where we have blood.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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