One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You can't special order awesome
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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