i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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