yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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