My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize