the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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