i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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