I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize