In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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