Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
