You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
