Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
