weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
