I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
