checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
