Dual....:-)
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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