I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
