On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You may now shotgun with the bride
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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