woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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