I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
