$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
