Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
