kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
