I cannot find my penis.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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