I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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