At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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