im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize