but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
