You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
