I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
