C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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