after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We left the knife in your bed.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize