you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
