Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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