I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
