Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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