Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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