Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
