my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
