he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
