My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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