You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i now understand why vodka
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
